


Bravery and Figuring Shit Out

by wabadabadaba



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Character, Blame Lena and Tori for this, Drinking, F/F, First Kiss, Girl Direction, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbians, Panic Attack, Pining, Questioning Sexuality, Straight Character, as always, guess who is what sexuality that could be a fun game, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25847245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wabadabadaba/pseuds/wabadabadaba
Summary: Yet looking at Harry dip her head back and shake her head, causing her hair to cascade down her back, Liam was almost positive she was only into Harry. She didn't understand how anyone could look at Harry and not fall in love with her instantly. The thoughts were too much and if she were caught by Harry looking at her one more time, Liam was going to have to pack up and move.or the one where Liam is questioning her sexuality because Harry Styles is a goddess and has Liam feeling some type of way.
Relationships: Liam Payne/Harry Styles, Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Bravery and Figuring Shit Out

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was brought on by a discussion I had with Lena about how we think Liam and Harry confuse each other. I mostly blame Tori for this since she is teaching Lena the way of One Direction but I also kind of blame Lena since she planted the seed in my brain. Also, Niall never actually speaks in this and is kind of in the background and I am so sorry about that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fic of Liam being confused and Harry being Harry.
> 
>  **Trigger Warning:** Anxiety, panic attack, internalized homophobia or rather, biphobia, drinking

Liam was having one of her many crises. She liked to think she grew out of her high strung, type A personality in high school when she met Louis Tomlinson. Louis walked into her life like a hurricane, seemingly harmless from far away but the closer she got to Liam, the more chaotic and harmful she became. Instead of destruction and devastation, she taught Liam how to laugh at herself and how to have fun. Standing in a crowded bar, only a few drinks in and staring at none other than Harry Styles with her sheer shirt and low hanging jeans dance and sway to the beat of the song, Liam forgot how to breathe. She forgot what Louis taught her about letting things go.

Liam isn't sure how she is supposed to watch Harry run her hand through her hair and toss it to the side and not have an absolute panic about it. Liam already has too much to worry about; her chem test on Monday, if Zayn and Louis were kicked out of the bar yet, where Niall ran off too and whether or not she was a lesbian. She was never sure, she found herself looking at both men and women over the years but she has only dated men. Yet looking at Harry dip her head back and shake her head, causing her hair to cascade down her back, Liam was almost positive she was only into Harry. She didn't understand how anyone could look at Harry and not fall in love with her instantly. The thoughts were too much and if she were caught by Harry looking at her one more time, Liam was going to have to pack up and move. 

Liam downed the rest of her now slightly warm beer Niall ordered for her and walked up to the bar. She needed another drink, or five if she was going to make it out of this bar alive. 

"Leeyum!" Liam whipped her head to the side just as Louis came crashing into her. Liam stumbled as she wrapped her arm around her waist. "Babe! Are you ordering us another drink?"

Liam eyed Louis suspiciously. "Do you need another?"

"Have you seen Zayn?" Louis asked, pointing to her girlfriend who was now grinding against Harry. 

Liam gulped and turned away. "Yeah, let's get you a drink too."

After a new beer in their hands, Louis dragged Liam to where Harry and Zayn were dancing. Louis pulled Zayn against her body causing Harry to throw an arm around Liam's neck. "Liam," Harry grinned. "You brought me a drink!"

Liam was so whipped when it came to Harry that she wordlessly gave Harry her beer. Harry kissed Liam's cheek and turned around so her back was against Liam's front. She kept one arm around Liam's neck and the other clutching the beer bottle as she moved against Liam's hips. Liam couldn't breathe, her mouth was dry and she was like a statue against Harry's body. She was mindless, completely useless as Harry worked her magic. She tried to extricate herself from her death but Harry didn't let her, she had the nerve to pout her full, plump pink lips right in Liam's face. Liam was powerless and the familiar ache of confusion tightened in her chest. 

♡

The next morning Liam was clutching her vanilla soy latte with an extra shot of espresso as she tried to regain any information from her chem book. She knew she shouldn't have gone out the night prior, for more reasons than having to endure Harry Styles in all her loose curls and long legs glory. Liam shook her head as if to erase the memories of Harry dancing from the night before and reread the same paragraph she has been trying to study. Her phone vibrating with a message from Harry had her nearly spilling her latte everywhere as she scrambled to get her phone in her hands. 

_from Harry  
I know you are at Starbucks. Bring me a coffee and we can study together!_

Liam closed her book and got her things together and finally texted Harry back as she waited in line; asking how she knew Liam was at Starbucks. 

_from Harry  
Lou made us all register Find My Friends, remember?_

Liam frowned and pocketed her phone, she didn't remember that Louis did that and she made a note to stop leaving her phone unattended. She ordered a black coffee and blueberry muffin for Harry before getting into her car and trying to prepare herself to deal with a hungover, sleepy Harry. When she arrived at Harry and Louis' apartment, all preparations she made went out the window. Harry was wearing a thin tank top that hit just the top of her red underwear. Liam wasn't going to make it. 

"Liam, you got me a muffin?" Harry’s hands were clasped together under her chin, causing her boobs to be pressed together spectacularly. 

"Yes," Liam tried to speak normally. "Of course."

Liam followed Harry into the apartment and into her room. Harry sat down in the middle of her bed, legs crossed with her hair a mess as she sipped her coffee and munched on her muffin. "Thanks, Lili, so what are we studying for?"

"I have my chem test tomorrow. I don't know what you are studying for."

Liam had to distract herself from the way Harry was sucking on her fingers. She sat down in Harry's desk chair and got her book and notebook out of her bag to begin working. She heard Harry get up from the bed but she didn't let Harry distract her, that was until she felt Harry run a hand through her hair and kiss the top of her head. 

"I'm going to take a shower and then I'll quiz you, okay?"

Liam looked up at Harry which was a giant mistake and nodded. "Thank you."

Liam turned on her study playlist to drown out the sound of Harry singing in the shower. Fortunately, her playlist did the trick and she was able to read for a solid twenty minutes before Harry waltzed into her room in just a towel. Liam heard the towel fall to the ground and she was sure she was going to have a heart attack. 

"Okay," Harry sighed. "Give me your notes."

Liam turned around and couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Seriously, Haz? Do you ever wear clothes?" Harry was only wearing a black crop top that barely covered anything and pink underwear purple flowers on it. 

"Not if I can help it," Harry grinned, dimples on display as she held her hand out for Liam's notes. "Why does nudity bother you so much?"

Liam couldn't say the real answer, not when she was still questioning everything about herself. So she shrugged and made something up. "It doesn’t bother me, I just like to wear clothes."

"So weird," Harry mumbled as she began to look over the notes. 

It wasn’t the first time Harry called Liam weird and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Liam had to agree with her and most of the time, she didn't understand how they were even friends. Harry was an enigma from day one and Liam judged her as the type of girl who would cast Liam aside because she wasn't outgoing or funny. Liam liked school, she liked things in order and she liked wearing clothes. Before getting on medication, Liam was constantly anxious and would have panic attacks every so often. Liam liked plans, even plans for having fun. It took a while for her to let loose and have fun, her brain had to circulate all the ways to prevent harm for any given situation. 

Liam was sure Harry was born easy going. Harry was giggly, she liked to make puns and she liked to make sure everyone was having a good time. Harry didn't like to be restricted by clothes or rules. She liked to loosely follow guidelines. She liked to alter baking recipes and put flowers in her hair. She was everything Liam wasn’t and isn't and Liam is sure that is why Harry terrifies her so much, despite being friends for three years now. They confuse each other and get into debates but they work; yin and yang. 

"Louis just texted," Harry said, dropping Liam's notes. "Niall's finally awake and wants to get breakfast."

"But-" Liam pouted and tried to fight the urge to say no because she still has so much work to do.

"I know," Harry smiled softly. "But you've been studying for hours and I have quizzed you on your notes three times already. It's okay to take a break."

Liam didn't like the uncomfortable thoughts swirling around her head telling her that if she so much as closed her book, she would fail her class. Those thoughts were the hardest to dispel, no amount of anxiety medication or Louis advising her to let go or Harry's yoga could make those thoughts stop. She had this compulsion to be the best and going to breakfast, well more like lunch, wouldn't make her the best. 

"Hey," Harry moved so she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She reached out and grabbed the bottom of the chair and pulled it close to her so Liam was near her. "You have studied for half the day and that is today alone. We both know you studied yesterday and last week and you'll wake up early tomorrow and study before class. You're allowed to have lunch with us," Harry reassured her. "Even geniuses need breaks."

Liam laughed and wiped at her eyes quickly. She knew Harry noticed she began to cry and was thankful Harry didn't call her out on it. "Okay," Liam sighed. "Yeah, let's get lunch."

Harry smiled and brushed some of Liam's hair out of her face and kissed in between her eyes where a worry line was forming. "I'll put some real clothes on, then we can go."

Liam definitely didn't watch as Harry moved about her room as she put real clothes on, as she put it. Liam felt better, lighter even. She was still worried about the test but it wasn't encompassing anymore. She knew the change was because of Harry and even though the two were opposites, Liam knew it was Harry alone that had that effect on her. 

♡

"When are you going to tell her?"

Liam turned to face Zayn as she refilled her glass with the margaritas Niall made. "Tell who, what?" Liam asked, making Zayn cringe.

"Thank god you're a biology major, you suck at English," Zayn sighed. "When are going to tell Harry you're proper in love with her?"

Liam choked on her drink and glared at Zayn as she patted her back. "Okay, first of all that was rude. Second of all, I am not proper in love with Harry. I'm still confused." Liam was really regretting telling Zayn information; she couldn't get high with her again.

"It's okay to be confused about your sexuality and have feelings for someone."

Liam didn't answer, she turned back to face the living room where Niall, Louis and Harry were playing charades. "That's what makes it worse. Sometimes I think the more time I spend with her the easier it will be for me to figure it out. Then I'm alone and I can't understand anything. I feel like a pervert."

"Why?" Zayn frowned, setting her glass on the counter and wrapping her arm around Liam.

"Sometimes it feels like I'm using Harry. I'm using her to figure out my sexuality and that's not fair on her. She hates being sexualized, and she doesn't deserve me ogling her every time I see her."

"Liam, babes, Harry doesn't like strangers, especially men, sexualizing her. There is a difference between her friends and men off the street."

"I don't see the difference, not from me. Maybe you and Louis, you guys are together, she knows you aren't a threat and Niall is straight so she isn't a threat either. But for me? What am I? Another person who looks at her like she owes me something," Liam admitted as she turned around, she couldn't keep watching Harry have the time of her life. 

"Hey," Zayn stood in front of Liam and wrapped her arms around Liam's neck. "You don't look at her like she owes you something, you haven't even looked at your boyfriends like that and you were official. It can be tough being a girl who likes girls who has a crush on their platonic girlfriend. It can make you feel like a creep and I know that doesn't help but I swear you aren't alone in feeling like this. I promise you, you aren't a creep or a pervert," Zayn reassured her. "Besides, I have seen what Harry looks like when she has your attention, she loves it."

That was hard to believe but Liam didn't want to continue to talk about it so she nodded like she was okay with everything Zayn said. Zayn meant well, Liam knew that but it didn't make her feel any better. She knew the way she looked at Harry, she knew of the thoughts she had about her late at night and they weren't innocent. It didn't feel normal to have thoughts like that about someone who was only supposed to be a friend. 

"Hey," Harry grinned as she walked into the kitchen. "You alright?"

Liam's skin was prickly, she was anxious and she felt like her body temperature was rising. The telltale signs of a panic attack. "Actually, no, I'm not. I think I'm going to head home."

Harry frowned and took Liam's wrist in her hand. "You can stay here and lie down in my bed. I'll make sure no one bothers you."

Liam hated how accommodating Harry tried to be while Liam has only turned their friendship into something perverse. "I just want my bed. Thanks though Haz, I'll talk to you later."

Liam barely remembered her purse by the front door as she left the apartment. Her mind was swirling, her vision blurry and she was beginning to feel overwhelmed. She made it to the street corner before breaking down into the first panic attack of the month. Liam was so focused on the intrusive thoughts that she didn't have time to feel embarrassed by the group of people witnessing her downfall. She clutched her chest and took big, gasping breaths as she did her best to walk down the street where her apartment building was located. The typical five minute walk felt like hours and by the time Liam entered her apartment, she was exhausted as heavy sobs racked through her body. She made it to her uncomfortable couch and collapsed and let the questions of her sexuality swirl in her mind until she was too exhausted to stay awake. 

♡

"You've been ignoring me."

Liam didn’t have to look up to know it was Harry but she did anyway. "I haven't. I've been busy."

Harry rolled her eyes and sat down across from Liam. She took a sip of her drink and scrunched her nose; Harry never liked what Liam ordered but she tried it every single time. "You had a movie night with Zayn and Louis last weekend and went to that new restaurant with Niall the other night. It's been two weeks and I haven't heard a single peep from you."

Liam figured this would happen, she knew better than to ignore Harry and still see their mutual friends. The person she talked to when she called the Trevor Project the day after her panic attack, advised Liam to get some space from Harry while Liam figured some things out. The person said it could help with the thoughts and feelings of being a giant creep who sexualized her friend without her consent. 

“I’m just hurt,” Harry continued and Liam wished again, that she could have Harry’s bravery. “I feel like I did something wrong and I really don’t think I did. The girls don’t think so either and you know how Louis is, she could have said something. I don’t want us to drift apart. I get that we’re different but I thought that's why we get along so well.” 

“It is,” Liam spoke up. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. You did nothing wrong. I’ve been in a funk.” 

“But that doesn’t explain why you hung out with them and not me,” Harry frowned. “I would never judge you or make you feel bad for being in a funk. I could help you, I know you don’t believe in all the hippie shit that I do but I would have liked to have tried.”

“You’re right,” Liam agreed. “I’m sorry.” 

“You’re not going to tell me what’s wrong, are you?” 

Liam shook her head. “I’m not ready. The others don’t know either.” 

“Well I guess I’ll leave you to it then,” Harry sighed as she stood up.

“No,” Liam reached out and grabbed Harry’s hand in hers. “I’ve been a dick and I have missed you. Stay?”

“You’re studying Liam, I’ll just distract you.” 

Liam closed her book and laptop. “Not anymore. Come on Haz, sit down. I’ll go order your disgusting black coffee.”

“And a blueberry muffin?” Harry asked hopefully.

Liam smiled and nodded. “And a blueberry muffin.” 

♡

Liam managed to get an appointment with her doctor in between her busy school and work schedule. She upped her anxiety medication and got a referral for a therapist, specializing in gender and sexuality. Liam has gone to a few appointments with her therapist and she is getting a little more comfortable with the idea that she doesn’t have to be straight or gay. She can be bisexual and the world will still turn. Growing up in a small town, Liam didn’t know many gay people. There was one gay boy in her class and a few girls who said they were bisexual but only dated boys. Liam remembers everyone talking about how those girls were only dating girls for attention or they only kissed girls when they were drunk and it didn’t count. Liam didn’t realize she internalized those thoughts until she expressed them to her therapist. It was easier for Liam to acknowledge that there were bisexual people in the world than to acknowledge that she, herself, could be bisexual. She was still resisting the label and her therapist urged her to do some reading on bisexual history and to let go of the idea that she even needs a label. 

All in all, Liam is finally feeling better after months of feeling tense and uncomfortable. She doesn’t even balk at the idea of going to another bar with her friends even though it’s Thursday and she has a class in the morning. Liam arrived at the bar later than the rest of her friends, since she had to work in the afternoon. By the time she got there, Louis and Zayn were already all over each other in a corner booth, Niall was stealing hearts by the pool tables and Harry was dancing. The sight of Harry wearing a thin, silk spaghetti strap shirt tucked into black jeans and her signature boots, caused Liam to stumble over nothing as she made her way further into the bar. Harry’s hair was thrown up in a messy bun with a few stray pieces falling down her neck. She looked ethereal on the dance floor with the lights on her and people gawking at her. Liam went to the bar and ordered a shot, downing it quickly before ordering two beers and walking to meet Harry on the dance floor.

“Lili!” Harry yelled as she wrapped her arms around Liam’s neck. “You’re finally here and you brought me a drink! You’re a good egg, Liam.” Liam allowed herself to smile and tried not to recoil when Harry dropped her hand around Liam’s waist and pulled her in close. “How was work?”

Liam shrugged. “Boring. How was your day, H?”

“Boring,” Harry pouted. “But it’s better now that you’re here!” Harry leaned forward and kissed Liam’s cheek. “I was afraid you weren’t going to show. You’ve been distant.”

“Harry, I see you almost every other day. You just crashed at my place last weekend.”

“No, Liam,” Harry frowned as she pulled Liam off the dance floor and into an empty booth. “You’ve been around all of us but you haven’t been present, you know? You seem so far away.”

“I’m sorry Harry,” Liam apologized sincerely. “I have been working on it, I think I’ve gotten better.”

“You have,” Harry agreed. “The past two weeks have been better. There are just times where I can see the cogs moving in your brain. Makes my own head hurt,” Harry giggled. “Sometimes I catch you looking at me and I can see you look away like you’re not allowed to look. Like, you get mad at yourself for looking. You get this cute little scowl,” Harry giggled again. 

Liam’s chest tightened and her skin was beginning to feel prickly; she wasn’t drunk enough for this conversation. “Harry you’re being silly. You’re drunk.”

“I’m tipsy at best,” Harry argued. “I’ve kept it easy since I wanted to talk to you. I want to make sure you’re okay. I’m not mad at you for looking Liam, you’re allowed to. We’re friends.”

Liam felt like she was going to be sick, she wanted to run away and hide and never come out again. “You don’t know what you’re saying, Harry.” 

Harry frowned and set her beer down on the table and moved so she was facing Liam, instead of just sitting next to her. “Then explain it to me, Liam. I’m one of your best friends and you pushed me away once and I think if I didn’t confront you, you would have let me slip away and that hurts. I know I’m silly and I know you think I’m aloof sometimes but I’m perceptive and I know you were slipping away from me.”

“You aren’t aloof, Harry. God, you’re one of the smartest women I know. You’re top of the class and you still know how to have fun. You are silly but in the best ways.”

“Then why do you look at me like there is something wrong with me like it’s not okay to look at me.”

Liam and her therapist have been working on this. Working on being honest and not running away from tough questions. Her therapist reassured her that she doesn’t have to have all the answers to be able to speak from the heart. Liam took a long swig of her beer before placing it on the table and looking at Harry. 

“You don’t like to be sexualized, Harry. You hate to know that people look at your body in a way that you didn’t consent to and that’s what I caught myself doing more times than I could count,” It was horrifying and freeing to finally talk to Harry and now that she started, Liam didn’t think she could stop. “You’ve told me that you’ve always known you were a lesbian, same with Louis and Zayn. You guys said you knew there was something different about you but you were gay and that was okay. It wasn’t like that for me, it’s not like that for me,” Liam clarified. “I still don’t have the answers, I don’t know what the fuck I am but I’ve been trying to figure it out. I have a therapist now and I’m trying to stop looking at you in a way I know you would find uncomfortable. You’re one of my best friends, not a piece of meat for me to ogle and go about my day.”

“Oh Liam,” Harry pulled Liam into a hug. She nuzzled her face into the crook of Liam’s neck and breathed deeply a few times before pulling away. “I didn’t realize you were questioning your sexuality, I’m sure that it is so confusing. I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

“I didn’t want you to notice, I didn’t want anyone to notice. I talked to Zayn about it, well I told Zayn about you cause she got me high and she tried to tell me what I felt was okay-”

“And it is,” Harry caressed Liam’s cheek and smiled softly. “No matter what you are or what you identify as, it’s okay.”

“I’m learning that I am and it helps to be friends with three giant lesbians who couldn’t be prouder of who they are,” Liam joked, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Liam,” Harry hesitated, and Liam was worried she offended Harry by the comment she made. “It’s okay, that you have those thoughts about me. I don’t think you’re a creep or whatever else you have convinced yourself of and don’t try to deny it,” Harry smiled softly. “I might hate asking this but I feel like I have to. Are the thoughts, are they because you are finally admitting to yourself you might like girls and I’m your type or is it because it’s _me_?”

“It’s you,” Liam answered, eyes watering with tears from the weight of the confession. “I’ve always looked at girls and boys, I’ve just never given it much thought. I thought every girl could acknowledge other girls' beauty. But when I met you,” Liam sighed. “Haz, you threw me off. You’re so beautiful and you’re sexy and you’re smart and you’re so brave. You are going to save the world one day with your brilliant ideas and skimpy outfits.” 

“So that’s why you always tell me to put on clothes,” Harry grinned. “You like me!”

Liam groaned and shook her head. “Why did I tell you? But yes, it was so scary to me because I never wanted you to feel bad about your body. I never wanted you to think there was something wrong with your outfits or showing off. You’ve taught me how to feel confident in not wearing clothes and wearing clothes. I just felt like such a pervert watching you walk around half-naked when I have such a big crush on you.”

“You’re not a pervert,” Harry reassured her. “You aren’t and you were always respectful and you never looked for too long. Besides, when I did catch you looking, I liked the attention. I liked the thought of you looking, specifically. God, Liam, you’re so fucking sexy and you don’t even know it. I always thought lingerie was the sexiest thing a girl could wear, then you walked into our psych 101 class three years ago wearing a fucking turtle neck, jeans, and boots and changed my mind.”

“What?” Liam didn’t even have time to feel embarrassed by her voice breaking because Harry continued. 

“Yeah, Li, you are beautiful and sexy and cute and adorable. You have taught me how to better organize my life and how to actually be a better grown-up instead of a dumb teenager. I’ve had a crush on for so long but I thought you were straight. But you might not be and that is the best fucking thing I have ever heard.”

“What?” Liam asked again. “You have a crush on me?” 

“Yes, silly,” Harry giggled again. “I thought it was so obvious at times. Now that that is out of the way can I kiss you now?” 

“Wait,” Liam clutched her chest. “‘I just need a second, I’m overwhelmed.”

Harry bit her bottom lip and removed her hands from where they found Liam’s waist. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. It’s a good overwhelmed I think. I don’t want you to think you’re an experiment,” Liam spoke carefully. “I don’t know what my label is, sure, but I know that I like you. I don’t ever want you to question that.”

Harry smiled and nodded. “That’s relieving to hear, if I was an experiment, that would have sucked but at least I could have had a night with you.”

Liam started shaking her head as she reached out and took Harry’s hand in hers. “You’re so much more than a one night stand or an experiment. I have some really fucked up thoughts about sexuality that I am working on but I know that I like you and I know that I want you to kiss me now.”

Harry grinned and cupped Liam’s face with her hands and leaned forward to bring their lips together. Something clicked in Liam’s mind and her heart, something that made her gasp and her mind say _oh_. It felt like what was once working against each other, was now in sync. It was like her mind and her heart finally understood that it was okay for Liam to like girls. Kissing Harry was similar to kissing the boys she liked; it was exciting and it felt right. She could like girls and boys and it wouldn’t change who she was. She could still be Liam who was rather fond of kissing Harry, specifically. 

“I feel like if you kissed me sooner,” Liam spoke when Harry pulled away. “Then I could have figured out all this sexuality stuff way earlier.”

It took a second but then Harry dipped her head back and let out a loud, awkward honking laugh that went straight to Liam’s heart. Harry surged forward and kissed Liam again, giggling into her lips and biting her bottom lip teasingly. 

“Let’s round up the girls and do shots in celebration of you being brave enough to find yourself and me, finally being able to kiss you whenever I like.” 

Harry went to the bar to order shots and Liam went off to find the rest of their friends. They met back up at the booth Liam confessed her feelings in. They held their shots in their hands and lifted them in the air. Harry smiled at Liam and spoke loudly, and proudly.

“To bravery and figuring shit out!”


End file.
